Friend #4 - Chacara

Last fall, one of my car’s headlights burned out.  I know next to nothing about cars, but a burned out headlight seemed like a stupid thing to take to my mechanic to fix.  I change burned out light bulbs at my condo all the time.  So really… how hard can it be?

I bought a new headlight at my local auto parts store and watched three YouTube videos on the topic.  I put on a dirty wife-beater tank and some old jeans, popped the hood of my car and proceeded to dismantle the headlight like it was the most natural thing in the world.  I did pretty well until I got to the pin that held the bulb in place.  Each of the YouTube videos I watched said dismantling the pin was the hardest part and none of them really seemed to capture exactly how to get it out.  I struggled with that pin for what seemed like ten minutes.  I was starting to get frustrated.  My thumb and my pointer fingers developing welts, and then a friendly voice behind me said, “Are you trying to change out the headlight?”

I turned to see a friendly woman I’d smiled at a dozen times who lived in my condo complex.  “Yes,” I grunted.  “But I’m not doing very well.  There’s this pin that is the devil to get out.”

“I just changed out mine last week,” she said.  “Would you like me to help you?”

My jaw loosened and eyebrows knitted together in what probably looked like a Basset Hound face.  “Yes,” I said, a little closer to tears than I would have liked.

The woman knew exactly what she was doing.  Old cars and necessity had made her rather handy under the hood.  She pulled that pesky pin and together, we installed a new bulb.  Afterwards, I hugged her, thanked her and assured her I couldn’t have done it without her. 

And that’s how I met Chacara.

Months passed.  There had been no chance meeting with Chacara since the incident with my headlight, but I’d thought about her every time I went to get into my car.  She could have simply walked by me that afternoon with my upper body bent under the hood …but she hadn’t.  And I was grateful.  Very few people offer to help without expectation and I wanted to return the kindness.  Last week, as I was pulling my car into my parking spot, Chacara was locking the door to her condo on the way to pick up her niece.  I flagged her down, told her about my friend experiment and we agreed to meet up for coffee on a Saturday morning.

Chacara has three children ages thirteen, nine and two.  I’m always hesitant to steal away from a mother’s time because I know the burden of their responsibilities.  But I think Chacara was grateful for the break…and I was excited to have some time to get to know her.  Her voice is soft and warm.  She smiles a lot.  There’s a twinkle in her eye and she gives the best hugs. 

I also knew there was a man living in the condo with Chacara.  Every time I’ve seen him, he is walking up and down the sidewalk with the two-year-old tucked contentedly in his arms.  I’ve smiled to myself seeing them together and thought what a great dad he must be.  The kids seem to really love him.  So I was a little surprised when Chacara confessed that the man she is living with is actually her ex-husband.

They were together for twenty years.  Apparently, Chacara’s ex was a bit of a dog in the beginning of their relationship but when the children came, he changed, wanting to be a better man for them.  There’s no doubt he loves his kids, but over the years, there was a gradual shift in attention that caused Chacara to drift farther and farther into the background.  Her husband was often moody.  He paid more attention to his phone than to her and Chacara said he was sneaky.  He would message other girls.   Eventually, she just had enough.  She filed for divorced…but just as the divorce was being finalized, she found out she was pregnant. 

So instead of leaving the condo, she stayed.  She stayed for the support.  She stayed for her children and I’m sure she also stayed because of financial reasons.  Her surprise baby is now two-years-old.  Things between her and her ex husband are cordial, but not fulfilling.  She sleeps upstairs in the bedroom.  He sleeps downstairs on the couch.  Chacara said she wants to find love again.  Her children, who know their parents are divorced, have voiced their desire for her to be happy and on her own.  She’s never had a problem finding a job when she has put her mind to it.  She’s been given the name of a reputable daycare for her youngest.  She knows all of these things…but sometimes, it is easier to live in unhappiness than face the fear of the unknown. 

She is in a rut.  I know it because I, too, have been stuck like that in my life.

And it isn’t as if she’s weak.  This is a woman that I met because she had enough experience fixing cars that she thought she could help me.  This is a woman who has raised her younger siblings.  Someone bright and open and friendly…but I think she knows life isn’t as happy as it could be. 

And the realization settled upon me that as I have been sitting in my bed over the past months, watching Netflix, feeling lonely and forgotten, right across the street was another woman likely sitting in her bed feeling lonely and forgotten, too.  Our front doors are literally twenty feet away from one other!  And if it wasn’t for this experiment, I never would have known.

P.S.  If anyone out there is looking to hire someone to either cut hair or work in an office, Chacara is actively looking for employment, and I would like to do everything in my power to help usher her into a happier place in her life.