Friend #22 - Antony

Having to find a date for my friend, Katie’s wedding launched me right back onto the hamster wheel that we all know as online dating.  To be honest, I don’t agree to go out with many guys.  There are just so many that you must have sorting criteria and you have no idea if you are weeding out someone you might actually get along with…or not.  Either way, it hasn’t been an entirely successful endeavor for me…and yet, I’m still drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

A few weeks ago, I got a message from a guy so I checked out his profile…and as I was reading through it, I started to laugh.  He was a handsome guy but he was literally twice my size, solid muscle, covered in tattoos with a long black beard and gauges in his ears.  The thought of this Jason Momoa-look-alike sitting next to me, the conservative-looking, tattooless girl, somehow tickled my funny bone.  So much so that I actually responded back by saying, “Thanks for the laugh!  We would look completely ridiculous together.”

And then I immediately apologized, realizing I probably just insulted the guy.  Me and my big mouth!  He was kind and gracious about my misstep, but I could tell he took those words to mean that I was blowing him off.  Did I mean to do that?  I wasn’t sure.  So I slept on it and in the morning, I thought to myself, “Aren’t you doing this whole one-friend-a-week thing because you want to meet people different than yourself?” So I messaged him back and we agreed to meet.

Antony showed up nicely dressed.  He was doting and sweet, a complete gentleman.  He asked the waiter to take a photo of us together.  He talked about how he was looking for a nice girl.  He said he wanted to settle down, treat someone right and have someone love him back in return.  Before leaving, he added me to his social media page and casually mentioned that a lot of what was on the page was purely for image purposes…which, of course, only made me want to look.  I just wasn’t prepared for what I was about to see.

Antony’s entire social media page was filled with images of women treated as objects.  The main photograph showed him in the foreground with three scantily clad women behind him.  There were lots of selfies and flexing muscles.  I was also horrified to also see the photo snapped of me and him lying right in the middle of it all, like a trophy. 

What the heck?!?!  

He was a giant teddy bear in person but was this the image he wanted to project to the world?  The man and the social media page seemed very different.  I remembered a TED Talk I’d seen recently on vulnerability.  It talked about how men have a difficult time being vulnerable because they don’t want to be seen as weak.  I wondered if this might be the case with Antony…so I went out with him again just to get a second take on the situation. 

The entire night I felt like I was digging a trench around a mountain, trying to get to the core of who he was as a person.  I just couldn’t dig deep enough to really know.  It was troubling.  Again, he reiterated that he wanted to find a nice girl to settle down with…but nice girls (particularly those in their 40’s), don’t want to date someone who portrays themselves like that. They want a man they can proudly bring around their family, friends and coworkers. 

I have found that people tend to accumulate those around them based on their own reflection, or the image they put out into to the world.  If someone gives off the image that visual appearance is the most important thing then they are going to draw people into their life that cover their insecurities with plastic surgery and thrive off of drama. 

Antony may have once been that guy.  I think he knows he needs to change but as long as he keeps the same image, that change can never take place.

And then I had a horrible thought.  What image was I reflecting onto the world to bring such a person into my life?  I took a moment to really sit back and think about it.  And I came up with:  evolving.  I am evolving.  I’m not the same person I was a year ago…or even six months ago, for that matter.  The habit of meeting new people has made me more confident, more curious and happier.  I’m not the person I’m meant to be yet but I am enjoying the journey.  

So my wish for Antony is that he can find his path because I think the one he is on, no longer suits him.  I think he has a deep-seeded desire to be loved and at the end of the day, don’t we all deserve that?