Friend #49 - Dan

It was pouring rain on the day I was supposed to meet Dan.  The small coffee shop I’d picked out was crammed with people trying to avoid what was falling from the sky.  Somehow, I managed to claim a small table in the middle of the noisy chaos.  I was just beginning to think the timing of this meeting was bad when Dan lowered his black umbrella and walked in. 

If you saw Dan in a crowd of people, you would probably overlook him, but he has a way about him that took me back to my Midwestern roots, to a time when I only knew people were good, solid and dependable.  He seemed to be half man, half twelve-year-old boy, although I’d estimate his age to be relatively close to mine.  He’d been sent to me through another friend of mine who told me Dan had triplets.  That’s really the only thing I knew about him.  He is conspicuously absent on social media. 

I gave him a minute to settle in and he ordered a cup of coffee, which is apparently a rarity for him.  Dan never really wanted children, but now that he has three seven-year-old girls, he can’t imagine his life without them. 

It all started back when his sister announced she was pregnant.  Dan’s longtime girlfriend had always wanted nothing more than to be a mother so watching Dan’s sister go through the joy of her pregnancy brought feelings to the surface that had long been suppressed.  Dan’s girlfriend had been married once before and had gone through two miscarriages.  The pair always knew if they were ever going to have children, it was going to be an uphill battle. 

They had been together for over a decade.  Dan’s girlfriend had always been upfront about wanting to be a mother.  It was never something she hid and now with his girlfriend in such a shambles over his sister’s pregnancy, Dan began to feel guilty about wasting so much of her time.  Ten years is an awfully long time to wait.  So, Dan agreed to fertility treatments thinking one child wouldn’t be so bad.  Three babies were never in the plan.  In fact, Dan was very specific on NOT planting too many embryos in an effort to prevent multiples.  When the doctor informed them that they were expecting triplets, Dan immediately looked towards the heavens for answers.  What had they done?

Dan’s girlfriend was forty-two years old.  They didn’t even know if her body could carry three babies and as the days turned into weeks, his girlfriend’s body began changing and expanding at an alarming rate.  In the last days of her pregnancy, she couldn’t even walk.  And there was nothing Dan could do but watch in horror as the pregnancy unfolded. 

The babies came at 31 weeks.  Fertility babies almost never go full term.  Each baby girl was born at two to three pounds apiece.  They were the most fragile things Dan had ever seen.  Up until that point, he had never held a regular newborn baby, much less a preemie.  He was afraid to touch them but one particularly brusque neonatal nurse saw him hovering on the sidelines at feeding time, “Come on, dad,” she said.  “I’m busy.  You’re going to have to help feed them.”  In the moment, Dan didn’t know how to say no…and that’s the first time he ever fed one of his daughters.  It would not be the last.

The babies came home at 40 weeks.  One baby is overwhelming.  Three babies are all-consuming.  Suddenly, the world began to revolve around feedings and diaper changes.  As soon as one baby was sleeping soundly, another would start to cry.  Dan hired an overnight nurse to come in two nights a week.  He said he thinks it was the only time he and his girlfriend ever slept.  And the overnight nanny was non-stop busy. 

By the time, Dan’s girls were three-years-old the strain of parenthood had taken its toll on Dan’s relationship.  His girlfriend took their girls and moved out.  Those early days of the split were full of animosity.  His girlfriend wanted full custody of the children.  Dan had to fight bitterly for his rights as a father, but at the end of the day, a fair agreement was finally reached.  Now that his daughters are seven-years-old, he realizes that even though he and the mother of his children have their differences, their parenting styles are strikingly similar.  They get along much better being apart.

He doesn’t date, preferring to shower all of his attention on his daughters.  They are his world.  And they seem to be good kids.  Dan’s mother lives next door to him and he’s developed a strong community through his church, giving him a solid, happy life with only a mild amount of chaos.  Being a single dad of triplets wasn’t the plan, but he fell in love with those three little ponytailed girls who have given his life sparkle and meaning.  I know three girls is a lot of work…but what a wonderful blessing!  Now that he is on the other side of it, Dan has realized how fulfilling being a parent can be.  I guess the road to parenthood is different for everyone.  Some people just have a different way of getting there.